By: Mendy Katz

I scream but no sound.  I cry with no tears. The biggest test of my life.  The darkest hole. The burning sensation down to my fingers and toes of despair. Crushed.  Defeated. My heart burned to ashes. My soul like dust in the wind. When a loved one passes we say Baruch Dayan Emes.  Bitachon and emunah that god is in control and is the true judge.  There is a reason behind the seemingly endless pain that this is just. That it’s ok to remove a young man, a hero from this world.  That it’s ok for a father and mother, brothers and a sister to bury a perfect sibling and son.  That it’s ok to go on, that it’s ok to trust the unknown.

How can all these stories on my son, how he uplifted so many with his smile and his love, how he defended his brothers and sisters of Am Yisroel, be benefiting for anyone in death.  If we are challenged to tilt the scale to bring Moshiach, and we are challenged to make the cup the final drops of wine spill over why do we need this pain.  Why is this ok?  If the Shechina is in Golus with us how can God not cry on his own, how can he not want to tip the scale, and to overflow the cup? How much more can you demand from me God when a perfect Korban was given to you in perfect completion? The doubling down of mitzvahs done in his memory, the achdus that was clearly shown at his levaya, the tears that continue to flow across the world, the stories and inspiration? How is this not enough? Al Kiddush Hashem. Selfless true sacrifice.

A young man who had so many options and prepare his life for himself, dedicated his being to the people of Hashem. Your people.  Our people.  Impossible to think what is more required to bring the Geulah. Impossible to comprehend how the tears being shed in this world, and the tears in heaven have not swayed you to say we have had enough.  To say you as a nation have proven your loyalty and worth. The lines have been crossed and moved again and again.

With unwavering faith I buried my son and didn’t cry. I trusted that heaven and earth, would cry for me, I trusted that the witness of your Torah being given would speak out. The earth would tremble and tell you Hashem there is no more place for kedoshim to be buried. The heavens would shake and tell you that there is no more room for the souls of the righteous. Every day we say we believe in the coming of Moshiach and even if he tarries we will await his arrival every day.  I trust that you know what you’re doing.  I wanted to dance at my son’s wedding. I wanted to take joy in his becoming a dad and I wanted him to live a full life.  For some reason you felt the world up there needed him more. You are the master of peace and bringing peace.

The solace and the only peace I need is the coming of Moshiach. I promise to scream Ani Maamin louder than anyone. I promise that I desire my son more that anyone can fathom.  I promise you Hashem that you miscounted my tears and those of your nation and the cup has spilled, and the scale have been leaning in our favor.  There is nothing left to excuse the suffering, not only mine but that of the Klall.  Moshe got it done. It’s time for you to get it done too.

With love, strength, bitachon and my broken heart please do not tarry another day.

Mendy Katz, father of the Kadosh Moshe Yitzchak Hy”D