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Jerome Hudson
Frantic wide-eyed stares into the camera, agitated hand gestures, and the occasional “what the fuck” filled the network TV airwaves on Monday as Donald Trump’s return to the Oval Office left liberal late-night hosts Jon Stewart, Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, and Seth Myers reeling.
Looking physically disturbed by the prospect of what the next four years of Trump could mean, thanks to Kamala Harris’ $1.6 billion failure to beat him, the not-so-racially-diverse club of carnival barkers did their level best to find the funny in what Stewart described as Biden “handing over the keys over to, I’m sorry what did you call him, ‘Hitler.’”
In the order freakout magnitude, here we go.
For Stewart, Trump’s inauguration was “a fucking nerve-wracking day” occurring at “a tumultuous time in American history, filled with much uncertainty and trepidation.” In his 20-minute monologue, the Comedy Central part-timer turned Trump’s pronunciation of “decline” into 60 seconds of “dickline” jokes, he roasted the heads of Google, Meta, Twitter, TikTok, and Apple who came to “kiss the ass” of Trump, and praised the absent Michelle Obama, whom Stewart said is living the motto of “When they go low, I stay the fuck home.”
Stephen Colbert bookend his monologue with new rules for the next fours years: 1. “calories don’t count” and 2. “It’s perfectly reasonable to have a vodka tonic at 8a.m,” and then a conspiracy-filled screed, saying “fuck it! He told us to inject bleach and I still believe there’s a pee pee tape! Russia, if you’re listening, let the ‘golden age’ begin.”
Jimmy Kimmel and his band of writers dug deep and came up with more of the same Melania must hate her husband jokes with a side of J.D. Vance loves to hump a couch conspiracy jabs. “It was not an uplifting or even well-written speech,” said Kimmel on his way to making the same “dickline” jokes that Stewart cracked.
After spending several minutes mocking country music mega star Carrie Underwood for technical issues she didn’t cause, Kimmel got what looked like an assist from proven liar and CNN host Jake Tapper to lampoon Biden floating away once and for all with a White House tied to hundreds of balloons, a la the movie Up.
Over on NBC, a much more subdued Seth Meyers intro’ed the big news of the day with an “Oh shit, right, Donald Trump’s now the president of the United States. Fuck me.”
After riffing on the low hanging fruit jokes about Trump piling around inside the warm U.S. Capitol rotunda with tech billionaires while scores of his supporters stood in freezing weather outside, Meyers took aim at the president’s speech, calling it “an unsettling, low-energy mix of ominous fascism and weird shit that no one except Donald Trump and his minions even care about.”
Lastly, Jimmy Fallon walked out on stage wearing a very similar hat as the one First Lady Melania Trump wore to the inauguration, joking “Who wore it best, me, Melania, or the Hamburglar?”
After diving head first into the usual Melania hates her husband fare, Fallon said the country re-electing Trump was tantamount to “rolling the dice” just “like we somehow survived the first Squid Game and then signed back up for a second.”
Jerome Hudson is Breitbart News Entertainment Editor and author of the book 50 Things They Don’t Want You to Know About Trump. Order your copy today. Follow Jerome Hudson on Twitter and instagram@jeromeehudson
