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By: Lieba Nesis
“I have the hardest job in the world,” an accurate proclamation by shadchan Aleeza Ben Shalom who stars in Netflix’s new hit show “Jewish Matchmaking” which runs 8 episodes and despite the plethora of singles fails to produce one enduring match-an accurate microcosm of today’s dysfunctional dating scene. Released a week ago and maintaining a top Ten position on Netflix means this flailing piece of dreck might get another season. One thing all the singles have in common is the endless list of qualifications they seek in their mate none of whom can possibly measure up-“flexible, outdoorsy, fun, spiritual, Moroccan, frum,”-the list goes on. Aleeza, a naive matchmaker and doppelgänger for Seinfeld’s Elaine Benes, smiles her perfected veneers, throughout the 7-hour series while one match after another disintegrates despite her claim to have made over 200 matches from the United States to Israel-the Holy Land being where she resides.
The main problem with the series being it follows too many singles without any resolution of their situations and while careful to be inclusive of every group including Plus size, ultra-orthodox, short men with earrings etc. just when you are beginning to care about the person it is time for Aleeza to meet another lost millennial. All the hackneyed Jewish terms are thrown about with abandon including “flexidox”and “frum,” but despite Aleeza’s lengthy lists not one of her clients finds love-maybe it’s time she threw out her notebook and actually looked at who was sitting in front of her. In the long list of qualifications Aleeza jots down not one girl asks for a successful, financially secure man-in fact money is never brought up-this show is in La-la land. If Aleeza had sifted through all the blather of girls claiming to want a confident guy, who loves his Judaism and realized it was wealthy hot guys her clients sought she might have had one match. Most of the characters tenuous relationship with Judaism would hardly require them to have someone who puts on tefillin-it is a sure bet these people could care less if their partner is even Jewish but the show is called “Jewish Matchmaking” so participants must pretend to prioritize religion.
Wake up Aleeza girls want rich good looking guys that is why when you set up Meg Ryan lookalike Harmonie Krieger with a Professor in Architecture who has never seen the inside of a gym it ain’t gonna work. The 44-year-old Harmonie loves sex, passion and looking in the mirror so Aleeza cluelessly picks one unattractive, unsuccessful nerd after another-is she still in business? How could a matchmaker be this clueless-Aleeza is the Mary Poppins of pairing. “Date em until you hate em” is one of Aleeza’s cheesy aphorisms-I didn’t date any of these rejects and I still hate em. One unbearable guy after another is presented and nobody seems to have a real job or to have met the opposite sex.
Ori Basly who still lives with his mother needs a blonde hair blue-eyed Gisele Bundchen lookalike who speaks fluent Hebrew and can tolerate his annoying voice and mannerisms-anyone? We never learn if he finds love but why any girl would agree to date a guy in his 30’s who resides with his mother who cooks his meals and does his laundry is beyond me? After all the hundreds or maybe thousands of guys interviewed for this show the best they could come up with are a slew of underemployed men with high expectations and low IQ’s-after watching this show most girls will give up dating for good. Curling up with a bad or good book is preferable to touching any of the guys presented. There are some cheesy couples depicted in a “When Harry Met Sally” montage who married 50 years ago and give their tricks for finding a mate-who would listen to anyone who paired up when there was no Internet or Tinder, JSwipe or Pornhub for that matter.
And so we end up in the modern day world of dating where even 28-year-old super Jew, Fay Brezel, fails to find her bashert because prospects are insufficiently aligned with her religiously-as her date Shaya Rosenberg cornily complains “I am afraid she is shtarker than me;” while he means more religious the actual definition of shtarker is annoying bitch-which his dating coach Jack Cohen fails to point out. Turns out Shaya is currently engaged to someone definitely not chosen by the “Jewish Matchmaker”. The conclusion of all these failed matches being that whether you eat pork, and screw around or are totally committed to getting married and orthodoxy you are doomed to singledom due to your endless requirements and obstinance despite your desperation.
Protagonist, Dani, is paradigmatic of the quandary of singles yes she is attractive but also extremely narcissistic as we learn she has an Instagram account for her “amazing eyebrows.” When she does meet potential match David, who is somewhat cute, she flies from Miami to Los Angeles for two months for a friend’s wedding-does she have a job? When she returns David, the head of the Miami Sephardic Club (big deal), seems disinterested and tells her he just wants to make out and stay friendly-I guess hooking up to him means major tongue action-or maybe he just wants to stay on the show. Dani never loses heart as her gaggle of girlfriends convince her she is the “it girl” a sentiment she clearly agrees with.
Similarly self absorbed Israeli sexpot Cindy Seni proclaims “no abs no Cindy” (which Aleeza religiously dictates) and this is the “Year of Cindy” while getting fixed up with an overweight barely intelligible Israeli named Daniel who shows up hours late with a lame excuse that he found someone’s wallet and headed to the police station-do these guys really exist? Aleeza finds one awful guy after another including 24-year-old hottie Noah who wants to wait until he is 30 to marry-why is he on the show anyway?
It becomes clear most of the shows participants are more interested in making money and seeking fame then they are in heading to the altar and so we are forced to endure their grueling dates where the conversations are more insipid than a Kardashian episode. Do girls really head on a first date with the queries “When are you interested in getting married” and “how many kids do you want” whatever happened to “Hello my name is.” The last character we are introduced to is mixed race 26-year-old Kansas City native, Nakysha Osadchey whose late father was black and despite being overweight insists on a physically fit partner, who rides motorcycles, tolerates guns and celebrates Sabbath-an unlikely combination that exemplifies the out of touch prerequisites requested by the perpetually single community which now numbers 128 million – the highest ever.
