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Forty-Nine Steps to Personal Refinement
By: Simon Jacobson
The 49 days from Passover to Shavout have always been a period of spiritual elevation and self-fulfillment. The Counting of the Omer comes alive in all its mystical poetry in this accessible day-by-day guide. It will change your life and empower you to achieve a state of spiritual fulfillment and emotional refinement in 49 simple yet profound steps.
With the mitzvah of counting the 49 days, known as Sefirat Ha’Omer, the Torah invites us on a journey into the human psyche, into the soul. There are seven basic emotions that make up the spectrum of human experience. At the root of all forms of enslavement, is a distortion of these emotions. Each of the seven weeks between Passover and Shavuot is dedicated to examining and refining one of them.
The seven emotional attributes are:
Chesed – Loving-kindness
Week 1 of the Omer
Gevurah — Justice and discipline
Week 2 of the Omer
Tiferet – Harmony, compassion
Week 3 of the Omer
Netzach – Endurance
Week 4 of the Omer
Hod – Humility
Week 5 of the Omer
Yesod – Bonding
Week 6 of the Omer
Malchut – Sovereignty, leadership
Week 7 of the Omer
The seven weeks, which represent these emotional attributes, further divide into seven days making up the 49 days of the counting. Since a fully functional emotion is multidimensional, it includes within itself a blend of all seven attributes. Thus, the counting of the first week, which begins on the second night of Pesach, as well as consisting of the actual counting (“Today is day one of the Omer…”) would consist of the following structure with suggested meditations:
Upon conclusion of the 49 days we arrive at the 50th day — Mattan Torah. After we have achieved all we can accomplish through our own initiative, traversing and refining every emotional corner of our psyche, we then receive a gift (‘mattan’ in Hebrew) from above. We receive that which we could not achieve with our own limited faculties. We receive the gift of true freedom — the ability to transcend our human limitations and touch the divine.
Week one – Chesed
Love is the single most powerful and necessary component in life. Love is the origin and foundation of all human interactions. It is both giving and receiving. It allows us to reach above and beyond ourselves. To experience another person and to allow that person to experience us. It is the tool by which we learn to experience the highest reality – G‑d. In a single word: love is transcendence.
Day One: Chesed of Chesed
Examine the love aspect of love. The expression of love and its level of intensity. Everyone has the capacity to love in their hearts. The question is if and how we actualize and express it.
Ask yourself:
What is my capacity to love another person? Do I have problems with giving? Am I stingy or selfish? Is it difficult for me to let someone else into my life? Do I have room for someone else? Do I allow room for someone else? Am I afraid of my vulnerability, of opening up and getting hurt? How do I express love? Am I able to communicate my true feelings? Do I withhold expressing love out of fear of reaction? Or on the contrary: I often express too much too early. Do others misunderstand my intentions?
Whom do I love? Do I only love those that I relate to and who relate to me? Do I have the capacity to love a stranger; to lend a helping hand to someone I don’t know? Do I express love only when it’s comfortable?
Why do I have problems with love and what can I do about it? Does my love include the other six aspects of chesed, without which love will be distorted and unable to be truly realized.
Day Two: Gevurah of Chesed
Healthy love must always include an element of discipline. A degree of distance and respect for the other. An assessment of the persons capacity to contain your love. Love must be tempered and directed properly. Ask a parent who in the name of love has spoiled his child; or someone who suffocates their spouse with love and doesn’t allow her any space of her own. Love with discretion is necessary to avoid giving to those that don’t deserve it.
Is my love disciplined enough? Do others take advantage of my giving nature? Am I hurting anyone by becoming their crutch in the name of love? Am I hurting my children by forcing upon them my value system because I love them so? Do I respect the one I love or is it a selfish love? Am I sensitive to his feelings and attitudes? Do I see my beloved as an extension of myself and my needs? In my love is there as much emphasis on the one I love and his ability to contain my love as there is on me and my giving? Rain is a blessing only because it falls in drops that don’t flood the fields.
Exercise for the day: Help someone on their terms not on yours. Apply yourself to their specific needs even if it takes effort.
Day Three: Tiferet of Chesed
There is love and there is beautiful love. True love includes empathy and compassion which makes it a beautiful love. Love is often fostered in expectation of reciprocity. Real love is expressed even when one gets nothing in return; even when the other doesn’t deserve love. Tiferet is giving also to those that have hurt you. It acknowledges the discipline of gevurah and says that, nevertheless, compassionate love calls for helping all.
Exercise for the day: Offer a helping hand to a stranger.
Day Four: Netzach of Chesed
Is my love enduring? Does it withstand challenges and setbacks? Ups and downs of life. How much am I ready to fight for the love I have? Does my love have spirit and valor?
Exercise for the day: Do something that takes fight for a loved one.
Day Five: Hod of Chesed
You can often get locked in love and be unable to forgive your beloved or to bend or compromise your position. Hod introduces the aspect of humility in love; the ability to rise above yourself and forgive or give in to the one you love just for the sake of love even if you’re convinced that you’re right. Arrogant love is not love.
Does love humble me? Am I arrogant notwithstanding – or sometimes, because I have the capacity to love? Do I realize that the ability to love comes from a greater, higher place; from G‑d? And knowing that shouldn’t I enter into any love with total humility, recognizing the great privilege of being able to love. Do I realize that through love I receive more than I give? Do I appreciate the one I love for this?
Exercise for the day: Swallow your pride and reconcile with a loved one you have quarreled with.
Day Six: Yesod of Chesed
For love to be eternal it requires bonding. A sense of togetherness which actualizes the love in a joint effort. An intimate connection, kinship and attachment, benefiting both parties. This bonding bears fruit; the fruit born out of a healthy union.
Exercise for the day: Start building something constructive together with a loved one.
Day Seven: Malchut of Chesed
Mature love comes with – and brings – personal dignity. An intimate feeling of nobility and regality. Knowing your special place and contribution in this world. Any love that is debilitating and breaks the human spirit is no love at all. For love to be complete it must have the dimension of personal sovereignty.
Exercise for the day: Highlight an aspect in your love that has bolstered your spirit and enriched your life – and celebrate.
Day One of Week 2: Chesed of Gevurah
Week Two – Gevurah
If love (chesed) is the bedrock of human expression, discipline (gevurah) is the channels through which we express love. It gives our life and love direction and focus. Take a laser beam: Its potency lies in the focus and concentration of light in one direction rather than fragmented light beams dispersed in all different directions.
Gevurah – discipline and measure – concentrates and directs our efforts, our love in the proper directions. Another aspect of gevurah is – respect and awe. Healthy love requires respect for the one you love.
Day One of Week 2 (8th day of Omer): Chesed of Gevurah
The underlying intention and motive in discipline is love. Why do we measure our behavior, why do we establish standards and expect people to live up to them – only because of love. Even judgment of the guilty is only to express love. In other words punishment is not vengeance; it is just another way to express love by cleansing anything antithetical to love. Tolerance of people should never be confused with tolerance of their behavior. On the contrary: love for people includes wanting them to be the best they can and therefore helping them be aware of anything less than perfect behavior.
Exercise for the day: Before you criticize someone today think twice if it is out of care and love.
