By: Lieba Nesis
The Hamptons summer is concluding with no signs of hotel occupancy abating. Sold-out inns are charging jaw-dropping rates even during the week. As a weekender in the Hamptons my monthly hotel bill is close to $15,000. Checkout Sunday is often 11:00 AM as housekeeping awakens me at the ungodly weekend hour of 9 AM to ensure my imminent departure. Since the pandemic, hotels are even more bare-boned with staffing shortages and massive crowds. Arriving in East Hampton two weekends ago, I was notified my $900 Room had been double booked. They were kind enough to accommodate me in an upgraded suite which unfortunately had sand and black hairs strewn across my sheets. Did I get a price reduction? Absolutely not! The front desk claimed they would make a note of my complaints.
Mildewy rooms, faulty shades and nonfunctional televisions are all part of the Hamptons experience. My moldy clothing is often so moist I turn on my hair dryer before applying. The Jitney bus has similarly become overwhelmed with unwieldy demand. The paltry $47 price has crowds clamoring for a seat as delayed departures and overcrowded buses have become the norm. I approached the “Hampton Jitney Coordinator” this past Friday to inquire as to the bus’s tardiness. Explaining that traffic was excessive I wondered why this predictable happenstance didn’t enter the calculus of the bus company. Restaurants are no better! On Saturday I headed to Sant Ambroeus which has become a playground for the progeny of the super wealthy; as tables full of entitled teenagers are raised believing $35 for a meager salad is the norm. Typically serving over 400 diners a weekend this Southampton gem has added an outpost in East Hampton as well. The Sant Ambroeus staff is delightful, the space clean, and the food fresh-but my salad was as negligible as the counter space I was forced to eat it on. Bilboquet Sag Harbor continues to be the epicenter of the South Fork scene-with a bar area that frequently shuts due to overcapacity. Anyone in awe of reality television should stalk this restaurant-Ramona Singer, Julia Haart, and Jill Zarin are frequent diners.
Bloomberg News recently reported home sale prices have declined as the Hamptons Market cools off. Citing minuscule reductions of hundreds of thousands in an exorbitantly expensive market fueled by the pandemic the article left me unconvinced. Bloomberg conceded that home sales for over $10 million were up to over 70 in the first half of 2022 as compared to a pre-pandemic 2019 level of 16. Searching for a condominium in this “slowed down” arena a two-bedroom two-bathroom near the village of Southampton is listed at $3 million. Comfortable homes on the beach in South or East Hampton range from $50-$150 million. Any crappy abode near the main town goes for $5 million.
If you are fortunate enough to be able to purchase one of these pricey mansions and decide to have a party good luck! It’s almost as if wealthy neighbors are waiting by their door for the slightest bit of noise to close down a shindig. We learned this past week that Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter, Apple, held a “rowdy” party in Amagansett that was shut down, fined and attended by the town clerk’s office to see if a code violation of over 50 people had been committed-speaking of party poopers. Billionaires Marc Leder, and Puff Daddy, halted their parties due to the town’s prohibitive ordinances and fines with mogul Michael Rubin circumventing authorities with heavy payouts for his July 4th extravaganza. The Hamptons desirability lies in its proximity to New York City, vibrant nightlife and upscale inhabitants. The convenience of establishments such as Citarella providing Hamptonites with fresh produce and gourmet fare are essential; The spotless floors and appetizing displays are unmatched despite the drawbacks of excessively oily takeout and the early closing hour of 7 PM.
The late night nightlife is sparse with Southampton Social Club reigning as the number one venue. The difficulty in achieving the required permits produces an insurmountable barrier to entry that precludes new dance havens. Montauk is a different animal, as Memory Motel, The Point Bar and Grill, Bounce Beach and Surf Lodge continue to thrive during all hours of the evening. Just don’t make the mistake of arriving on a Thursday night, as I did, where the desolate streets were reminiscent of New York during Covid. The prohibitive nature of Hamptons officials was never more apparent then when popular Montauk venue Ruschmeyers lost its temporary liquor license in June for breaking the “no dancing rule” in two separate areas inside the venue and for advertising DJ events when recorded music only was the law-where is Kevin Bacon when you need him (Footloose).
The New York Post similarly reported that restaurateurs from Southampton to Montauk are up in arms over officials shutting down outdoor dining structures erected during the pandemic with inspections and fines-talk about being anti-business. The next couple of weeks will be filled with starry nights including the Global Strays cocktail hour at Capri Southampton, The Lang Lang Foundation’s evening at Chris Burch’s house, The Hampton Classic Horse Show and Michael Milken’s Prostate Cancer Foundation Gala. As the Watermill Center, Longhouse Reserve, Southampton Hospital and Southampton Chabad eviscerate their dinners in favor of a cocktail hour or nothing at all I am beginning to think billionaire Milken might be the only one capable of funding an expensive Hamptons soirée. After concluding this article my next order of business will involve spending the next few hours searching for a much prized and exorbitantly priced Hamptons hotel room for the upcoming weekend.
